This whole weekend has finally given me time to think about everything that has gone on. Friendships being broken, or halfway broken, i'm still confused. A boyfriend thats there no matter what.
But basically, I finally figured out life isnt easy squeezy easy.
I need a new outlook on life for myself. Maybe become a little more feminine; ya know, dresses, makeup, shoes. I've always realised i fit in with the boys way more than what I do with the gals! But, the problem is: I dont know how to fit in with girls....
I started watching tons o makeup vids on youtube and I think I could get a good grasp of this, which means i'd have to wake up earlier in the day than what I usually do. oh dear.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Sometimes a Fun Weekend can be turned into total Hell.
So, this weekend, starting on friday morning, I thought was going to be a great day, ya know, go to my doc. appointment and spend time with jared and elsie, WRONG, absofuckin'lutely wrong. in under 10 minutes, it turned into the worst weekend of my fucking life.
It started when Jared and I walked into Elsies, (btw, Jared is my bf) and I spoke to her, and she was SUPER quiet, like bitchy quiet, i knew from the get-go it wasnt going to be pretty, but not like it ended up being. So about 10 minutes of awkward silence, she finally says, 'you look like you need to go home' after telling me to crash there with her to relax, fuck it. So I get slightly frustrated and realized, she wants me to leave because of jared, but I figured that she only wanted Jared to leave because she asked him, did she drive or did both of you drive, and well, if he left, I was leaving too, I didnt want to make him feel super awkward there, ya know? Well, so we left, and he kinda realized I was tense and slightly agitated, so he says, lets go eat. So we dropped my car off at his place, And i hopped into his car, we're sitting at ihop, yeah, were that fucking awsome, talking about something, laughing our asses off. I had to run to the loo, and my phone goes off, when it rings, jared pointed out it sounds like its laughing, but i get a text " I dont like him", so i responded, "i figured that, why not?", quick and fastly i get a text back saying, "he gave a bad vibe in the room, and i was getting fitzy about it" so yeah, not only did my best friend tell me she basically hates my boyfriend, I have to go back into the diner and look at him and try not to cry. (for the past month, my emotions has bascially been on a rollarcoaster from hell) So I was like, um, okay, and she just went on, i dont remember the last few texts, because to be honest, I became agitated and ignored them, but I couldnt tell Jared that hey, my bestie doesnt like you, she just told me, so i watched him, he has this cheesy smile on his face, his green eyes lit up from staring at me. What could she have seen so badly in him in 10 minutes of silence, I dont know, and i guess i'll never know.
It started when Jared and I walked into Elsies, (btw, Jared is my bf) and I spoke to her, and she was SUPER quiet, like bitchy quiet, i knew from the get-go it wasnt going to be pretty, but not like it ended up being. So about 10 minutes of awkward silence, she finally says, 'you look like you need to go home' after telling me to crash there with her to relax, fuck it. So I get slightly frustrated and realized, she wants me to leave because of jared, but I figured that she only wanted Jared to leave because she asked him, did she drive or did both of you drive, and well, if he left, I was leaving too, I didnt want to make him feel super awkward there, ya know? Well, so we left, and he kinda realized I was tense and slightly agitated, so he says, lets go eat. So we dropped my car off at his place, And i hopped into his car, we're sitting at ihop, yeah, were that fucking awsome, talking about something, laughing our asses off. I had to run to the loo, and my phone goes off, when it rings, jared pointed out it sounds like its laughing, but i get a text " I dont like him", so i responded, "i figured that, why not?", quick and fastly i get a text back saying, "he gave a bad vibe in the room, and i was getting fitzy about it" so yeah, not only did my best friend tell me she basically hates my boyfriend, I have to go back into the diner and look at him and try not to cry. (for the past month, my emotions has bascially been on a rollarcoaster from hell) So I was like, um, okay, and she just went on, i dont remember the last few texts, because to be honest, I became agitated and ignored them, but I couldnt tell Jared that hey, my bestie doesnt like you, she just told me, so i watched him, he has this cheesy smile on his face, his green eyes lit up from staring at me. What could she have seen so badly in him in 10 minutes of silence, I dont know, and i guess i'll never know.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Good Morning, Cupcake.
Ah, shit is wonderful. And well, shit is shit. Things have been topsy turnsy for the past week and a half, down to me crying mid week to me smiling my ass off last night. I should be super happy, but still super confused. All I can say is i'm happy I have Jared in my life now :)
Elsie and him have been the only two who would listen to my problems and analyze them with me, instead of saying, gee, that sucks. i fucking love them two :)
But my 4th was wow.
I wake up around 2 in the afternoon, well, friday night, i got stuck in traffic until three in the morning, and mum wanted to keep me up for a crazy talk, go figures, it is my mum we're talking about, but when I woke up, I had a text from jared saying his usual "hello hello?" deal, so i answered it with hey! and he asked what are you doing today, i replied with going to elsies, and so forth, he said, well, can I see you before you go there, please?
For a second, my heart hit my stomach and I thought I was going to throw up. Honestly, I did.
So i said, yeah, at wawa's for slurpees?
Yup.
K, great, see you!
I dropped my puppies off with the kids and headed towards va beach, kinda anxious, I started talking to myself and wondering what would Jared want to talk to me about.
But then Friday night I did send him a text, that spilled that I had the biggest crush on him and that I couldnt stop thinking about him, after I sent it, I felt very stupid.
So, i pulled up in wawa's and waited for him, he pulls up beside me, i'm drowsing off in the car, and knocks at my window. I'm super happy to see him, so i point to my car seat and he gets in and looks at me, and I say what did you want to see me about? as if I didnt kinda figure it out, so he pulls out his cell phone and goes to the message where i confessed to him, and looks at me and says, lets give it a try. And then he gave me a kiss :)
Elsies and Micheals, they went partying, I played DD so i had fun, but not the ultimate 4th fun that everybody usually has.
I didnt really mind though.
After I dropped them off and headed out, I saw jared again and he took me to meet his cousin, who swears i'm the cutest thing alive.
I'm happier than i could ever ask for.
Elsie and him have been the only two who would listen to my problems and analyze them with me, instead of saying, gee, that sucks. i fucking love them two :)
But my 4th was wow.
I wake up around 2 in the afternoon, well, friday night, i got stuck in traffic until three in the morning, and mum wanted to keep me up for a crazy talk, go figures, it is my mum we're talking about, but when I woke up, I had a text from jared saying his usual "hello hello?" deal, so i answered it with hey! and he asked what are you doing today, i replied with going to elsies, and so forth, he said, well, can I see you before you go there, please?
For a second, my heart hit my stomach and I thought I was going to throw up. Honestly, I did.
So i said, yeah, at wawa's for slurpees?
Yup.
K, great, see you!
I dropped my puppies off with the kids and headed towards va beach, kinda anxious, I started talking to myself and wondering what would Jared want to talk to me about.
But then Friday night I did send him a text, that spilled that I had the biggest crush on him and that I couldnt stop thinking about him, after I sent it, I felt very stupid.
So, i pulled up in wawa's and waited for him, he pulls up beside me, i'm drowsing off in the car, and knocks at my window. I'm super happy to see him, so i point to my car seat and he gets in and looks at me, and I say what did you want to see me about? as if I didnt kinda figure it out, so he pulls out his cell phone and goes to the message where i confessed to him, and looks at me and says, lets give it a try. And then he gave me a kiss :)
Elsies and Micheals, they went partying, I played DD so i had fun, but not the ultimate 4th fun that everybody usually has.
I didnt really mind though.
After I dropped them off and headed out, I saw jared again and he took me to meet his cousin, who swears i'm the cutest thing alive.
I'm happier than i could ever ask for.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
confession
1. I've already confessed to you, and we'll talk about it in the morning.
2. I liked you, alot, i dunno why, but I did, and now, I feel like a complete jackass, I really do. I dont see why I wasted my time with hopes of being more than just your friend. Wow, what a stupid girl I was right?
3. You're my best friend, You're also like my fucking sister, we have matching HK tattoos, and I fucking love you. You've been there for me, and I'm so fucking lucky to have you in my life.
4. Why do you bother anymore, I kinda feel like yeah, i've became your rebound friend to the max. You never text me anymore to hang out unless Ryans at work or at the Gym. Like this morning, you sent me a text for directions. And I was stupid enough to give them to you, have you not realised that our friendship is basically going down the drain hun? really?
5. I hate you. I somehow have always tried to avoid using those three words towards a person while being dead serious, but, I fucking hate you. You made me miserable for 2 months of my life and now you've up and married a piece of trash, well guess what, con-fucking-graduations
6. You, need to look up the song Sorry my friend by save ferris, I think it says everything it needs to say to you
7. The only reason you find me half attractive, is cos i'm english, gee, my voice is different and that makes me attractive, thanks. asshole.
8. I miss you dad.
2. I liked you, alot, i dunno why, but I did, and now, I feel like a complete jackass, I really do. I dont see why I wasted my time with hopes of being more than just your friend. Wow, what a stupid girl I was right?
3. You're my best friend, You're also like my fucking sister, we have matching HK tattoos, and I fucking love you. You've been there for me, and I'm so fucking lucky to have you in my life.
4. Why do you bother anymore, I kinda feel like yeah, i've became your rebound friend to the max. You never text me anymore to hang out unless Ryans at work or at the Gym. Like this morning, you sent me a text for directions. And I was stupid enough to give them to you, have you not realised that our friendship is basically going down the drain hun? really?
5. I hate you. I somehow have always tried to avoid using those three words towards a person while being dead serious, but, I fucking hate you. You made me miserable for 2 months of my life and now you've up and married a piece of trash, well guess what, con-fucking-graduations
6. You, need to look up the song Sorry my friend by save ferris, I think it says everything it needs to say to you
7. The only reason you find me half attractive, is cos i'm english, gee, my voice is different and that makes me attractive, thanks. asshole.
8. I miss you dad.
Friends, Enemies?
Today, at my best friend, elsie, house. I realized, I have no friends besides her. I mean, i've basically been the rebound friend since tenth grade, and how I know that, somebody told me, and sadly enough, that stupid memory from high school is embedded in the back of my head. But basically, to all of my so-called friends, i'm their backup for when things are like eh, (ex. their boyfriend is out of town, their single and lonely, their boyfriend/girlfriend is not available, they need a rebound friend for the time, or they finally get a boyfriend/girlfriend) then its when their totally allowed to ditch me, so they think.
But the car ride home, which I was stuck in a five mile back up..at one in the morning, wtf, i realised, I kinda hate half the people in my life now, i really fucking do. If it wasnt for Elsie, i prolly would have blown my brains out. She's basically the person thats helping me keep my sanity.
I'm really starting to hate my life, i'll try so hard to try and talk to somebody on the phone, or in person, and its like they dont have time for me, but when their shit is going down the dain, who te fuck do they call, and like a jackass, i'm more than happy to talk to them.
I think I just need to take time and start deleting people off my facebook/myspace friend lists, cos i dont think i really that many friends in my life. I only have one, and shes like my sister.
But the car ride home, which I was stuck in a five mile back up..at one in the morning, wtf, i realised, I kinda hate half the people in my life now, i really fucking do. If it wasnt for Elsie, i prolly would have blown my brains out. She's basically the person thats helping me keep my sanity.
I'm really starting to hate my life, i'll try so hard to try and talk to somebody on the phone, or in person, and its like they dont have time for me, but when their shit is going down the dain, who te fuck do they call, and like a jackass, i'm more than happy to talk to them.
I think I just need to take time and start deleting people off my facebook/myspace friend lists, cos i dont think i really that many friends in my life. I only have one, and shes like my sister.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Congrats Bitch, you're crying.
I dunno what makes me want to cling on to things. But I fucking do it anyways.
Have you ever wanted something, but you knew it was totally out of reach, but kinda hung on to it, and when you see its gone you get depressed behind it.
yeah, that kinda happened to me
but it was a person
So basically, i'm giving up. i say fuck it.
Lesbian?
I think so.
I'm starting to feel like i'm wasting a large amount of time bothering with the male species, they all turn out to be greedy motherfuckers. I just cant believe i hung on to one to the point, at five in the morning, i have fucking tear stains on my cheek.
cupcake, your a stupid bitch. you really are.
I wish my best friend lived closer to me, she'd know what to say about this situation.
Am I really supposed to be the unhappy friend? Really?
fuck this
Have you ever wanted something, but you knew it was totally out of reach, but kinda hung on to it, and when you see its gone you get depressed behind it.
yeah, that kinda happened to me
but it was a person
So basically, i'm giving up. i say fuck it.
Lesbian?
I think so.
I'm starting to feel like i'm wasting a large amount of time bothering with the male species, they all turn out to be greedy motherfuckers. I just cant believe i hung on to one to the point, at five in the morning, i have fucking tear stains on my cheek.
cupcake, your a stupid bitch. you really are.
I wish my best friend lived closer to me, she'd know what to say about this situation.
Am I really supposed to be the unhappy friend? Really?
fuck this
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